If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask.
18 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
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I just want to get your attention. Because as far as you‘re concerned, I’m just another face in the crowd that falls under the category of someone that’s not even worth a second of your time and someone that you don‘t want to make time for. No, I’m not desperate for it or anything, I just crave it so much that I catch myself doing things I promised myself I would never do. You’ve got me making a fool of myself at the utmost probability that I tend to not care about the fact that I’m falling for you. Hard.
You see, I don’t want your attention so I can have you all to myself. Or even try to impress you in that matter. I want it so I can leave you dazed and amazed for days. So I can show you the finer things that most people tend to overlook on the daily. Possibly finding a way to bring you back to me begging for more.
The Downfall of Us All.
11 Jan 2011 2 Comments
I believe in miracles. I didn’t before. But I do now. Believe it when it comes from my mouth. I don’t really stick to one thing. But now I do. And it’s miracles. Why you must ask. You see, I did a really, really huge mistake. A fatal snag. Things always turn out to be a mistake for me. No matter how hard I try. I never pulled off a thing. Not even a thing with sheer perfection. And again, all these happened. Without me knowing. I mean, try imagining you didn’t even realize your mistakes and you let it grow until it reached the tip point where the next step just makes you plunge into a huge gap filled with blackness. It happened to me two days ago. No one knew the explanation, except a few I bothered to explain to. I was a dead body breathing. Worry etched in the lines on my face. I couldn’t smile. I couldn’t escape misery. Have you ever felt it? Tell me if you do so that I wouldn’t feel oh so lonely here, like I’m the only awkward penguin. So two days ago, I was extraordinarily acting weird. My mum noticed. Everyone actually. I didn’t and couldn’t bother to answer. I was just feeling really- dumb and alone. I had just about the weirdest visions on being abandoned and pushed aside. Truly depressing. And I confided to God. I believed in God. And I knew I had this special way of interacting to God. Like I was a step closer than anyone else. I recognized the little things- like flowers falling from the altar and slight sound- that was a symbolic way of God’s talk to me. I did. And I knew it right away. I meditated. I chanted. All in the name of God. I prayed that all the bad visions that churned in my head wouldn’t come true. It was just terrible. Terrible. And who thought it would be true? No one. Though there was a part of me that hoped for the best of it. And it happened. It actually happened! And I’m just completely grateful for it. I got a second chance and I’m not going to screw it. For the first time in three days, I feel a whole lot lighter. A whole lot better. And less distractions.
No human escapes from the sin of making a mistake. No one. -anonymous-
Ronald Billius Weasley
07 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
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So, another day. Pretty day. The starting of the day sucked a tad bit but it eventually grew to be pretty. Days like this is what I wish for when I go through rough times. I would really like to draw out all of my activities ince the start of the day. Just for the sake of it.
- Wake up late for dance class.
- Spent a mere hour instead of two because I had Physics class.
- Went home and got online.
- Got wasted in Tumblr and Twitter.
- Mum got even more hotter since she dyed her hair a lighter shade of brown. (I have a fothermucking hot mum)
- Went to the hospital. And the doctor gave me this really nice massage. (Dr. Suresh come to my house and give me some of that really cool massage please?)
- Spent almost 300 bucks for pills.
- Went to the salon straight from the hospital.
- Got a really nice perm.
- Spending the night with dear internet.
Life could be un-bitchy sometimes. I just wish sometimes was forever.
Not a huge transformation but my hair's silky so it's enough. :B
We Are Broken
05 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
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I wouldn’t be surprised in any way that there are a myriad people amongst the sundry who are actually in a very grave position due to the issue that had been recurring little unhealthy thoughts in the minds of Paramore fans all over the globe on whether or not the band is breaking up. All this teeny weeny clouds of threats that are resuscitating little niggling thoughts about the chest-squeezing news that the Farro brothers left the band. And yes, we all agreed to continue supporting the trio in Paramore. As to why the Farros left the band is left to hang in the air pretty clear. They wanted a break and they got it. Hayley, Jeremy and Taylor weren’t going to get in their life paths. Their happiness was the sole importance and they came off in a decision to let the duo brothers get their way.
And that was exactly what I thought too. Well, right until Josh and Zac posted the true reasons that led to their separation from the band and its members online through their official web. Along with the post, they have mentioned certain mocking words that were clearly directed to Hayley. It’s all in here. I have to admit, I was pretty thrown away when I read it. To me, Paramore was a clean band. A tangle-free band. A band with members that had a very close relationship with each other. A band that produced good music. A band that opened my eyes through their lyrics. But I guess I have my thoughts proved wrong, part of it. Instead of jumping to conclusions, let’s just see how things roll out.
The post by Josh and Zac Farro had hurt Hayley very deeply, it is informed. Kerrang Magazine had made an official coverage of this issue at this site. “Hayley Williams Breaks Her Silence”.
Quote of Hayley Williams.
I’m not going to make any unclear assumption about this until further notice is issued. Though all this grave happenings are trully heart-wrenching, Paramore still has my support and faith.
This just feels wrong.
And we still are. Hold on Parawhores.
Push aside the fucked ups, just get shitfaced.
31 Dec 2010 1 Comment
Alright people, so I hear people whining about how 2010 had been extremely fucked up for them. How they came up to do bullshits. How a girl, ostensibly got pregnant. How a 15 year old girl got married. How some didn’t give a fuck about SPM because they failed to revise most of it.
If you were one of those reminiscing about the stupid things you did and regretting it right at this very moment, congratulations for being such a weakling and low-spirited. Come on people, I have friends who enjoyed doing way stupid things. Yes they enjoyed it. They enjoyed skinny-dipping with boys. They enjoyed failing tests. They enjoyed their life to the fullest. I look up to them. I had never been able to do all those stuff that purposely had been said to be the source of happiness during teenage years. I could only walk past these things, stare, dream of me doing it and continue being the school’s geek that could only ace tests, blah blah blah and turn out to be an extreme extrovert. I couldn’t have ‘green herbs’ (if you get my drift. WEED PEOPLE, WEED), I couldn’t sneak out with my friends through the roofway, I couldn’t have party by the poolside. And yet I had been secretly wanting to do all these. Yes, people call me intelligent. Yes, I got straight As in PMR. Yes, they called me a ‘top scorer’ in Malaysia’s most read newspaper. But hey, I wasn’t born to listen to the wants of the sundry and mould myself to become the exact model people wanted me to be, albeit that was what I had been doing for years.
And that behaviour had been causing me to crash in coordinates inside. Misery came crawling in. Hope evaporated into nothingness. I was a puppet. My strings were maneuvered by my parents and the upper class society. I was simply living to fulfill the yearns of the mass of people around me. And believe me, secretly, I have been developing attitude problems as well. I have outbursts at home. I cry a lot. I have health issues (source: over-studying).
Since the hols started, I got to know a friend who pretty much changed the way I look at life. He opened my eyes that stupid things were beautiful. That we were beautiful. And my mindset changed. I screwed up big-time. I texted till 4 in the morning. I came online almost 12 hours a day. I lost contact with the outside world. I ignored my parents. My discipline slacked. I was gyrating downwards. Ethically, I was bad. My etiquette was almost, feebly critical. And I stayed over at my granny’s house for a month while my parents went for a vacation in India. She drummed sensibility into me. She sang disciplinary cultures into me. And I knew some stuff that I did was wrong. But not wholly. I changed the way I felt to the geeky-mode. Because without that, I would fail my school years. I didn’t want that.
For all I could say, I did stupid things and it was fun. I had my fun. 2010 was fun towards the end because I had the chance to be stupid and I took it on. But 2010 is almost over. And based on the 2011 gif I have posted at the very top, the colours represent my emotion, the whirlwind of outrage that I would be experiencing next year (which is less that 24 hours time). And I have trained myself to get through it. Jesu Christi, help me. God, bless me.
LOve isn't something I would want to deal with. Not until I'm 17.
Cut down on junkies. Phft, obviously. I'm a stack of fat.
top my crazy shitez.
All in all, it's just that.
We are screw ups. We have fucked up more that the generation before us. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL.
-Nathan; Misfits-
The lies were told with fingers tied.
31 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
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There were times when I thought people hated me. I was the hate toy for people. Hate messages. Hate scrutiny. I was losing it. I couldn’t man up and grow some balls. But now, now, atm, I know that I have a great circle of friends. I have absolutely perfect friends because they never go disappearing when I needed a shoulder to cry on. They never backed away when I pushed them away. And to do that, it takes a whole lot of guts then it looks like. Do you have a friend who would say ‘I love you’ everytime you went to bed? Or someone who texted you ‘good morning’ to be the first person you think about? Or perhaps someone who showed you their desire to hug you when you were down? As I am writing this, tears are flowing down my cheeks in torrents. I’m not a cry baby. You would call me that because I cry a lot and most of my post contains the word ‘cry’ but I tell you, it’s not something you can help with. It’s an emotional wreckage that can only be tumbled down by tears. Not many people realize that. Hell, not many live around with that. Most people with emotional problem are either swallowing pills or hiding behind a shackle. I was one of them till I met a friend. I am proud to say I have a friend who does all this, all the aforementioned. It’s a comfort that I hug emotionally, a donning peace I wear physically and a book with no last page that ends perfectly well.
Pee Ass: Just thought you would want to know. No? Okay. Kewl. Wasn’t expecting anyone to, either.
You are playing with the heart of a girl.
05 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
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This cannot wait. I have been holding back my feelings too much that it is practically blinding my view on other perspectives. And so it started…
I was perfectly capable of solving my own problems. I was perfectly capable of controlling the anxiety that bubbled in me. I was perfectly capable of myself. And on this particular day, Rusty (from the favourite sitcom called Greek) decided to poke his nose into my putrid life. everything was so fucked up already that he had to mess up things for me. I mean, what am I born for? Doing a mess and being completely strangled in it. And what difference does it make that an unknown lass is being quite busy getting to know my stinky life? And so I thought, maybe it’s time i move on and not keep things locked up in my chest or I’ll break out any moment. I was scared that if I held on to it, I might end up like Zac where the only resolution to come out of the extreme anxiety was to create a rampage. I didn’t want that. My parents wasn’t like his. Zac’s parents accepted that he was emotionally depressed and got him medical attention,let him take the day off school and everything. No offence mum and dad but I sincerely do know that you guys don’t have the patience to fix the rampage that I would have made. Nor leave me to rest for a few days afterwards. You would have drilled the hell out of me and eventually make me think of suicide all over again.
And so, I let Rusty into my life. And we talked. We talked about our exes and how effed up our lives had been. It has been so long since I actually saw someone who understood what I was going through. I thought he did. And I still hope so. I mean, if he didn’t then why on earth would he have given his cell number to hear my problems.
I wasn’t having even the tiniest bit of intention of texting him. He was till a stranger. He didn’t mean anything to me. Nothing. He was just a dust I would dust off when the time comes. That was until I felt this little urge to actually text him. I took my cell and it had credit fixed at zero. When I actually did top it up, the battery went flat and the charger was at my aunts. So many obstacles just to text a person? My instincts were literally screaming in unison with my nerves that this idea- texting Rusty- was a huge mistake I’ll soon grow to regret. I still fought against them and went for it. And when we did text each other, it took up most of my sleep last night. Six straight hours of advises and him asking me to visit his Tumblog for a advising piece about college and how doing good in High school won’t do any good shit for your future. Well, I have to admit, some of the advises were really touching and I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling out of my eyes. I just couldn’t. His writing was perfectly perfect, flawless. And that, that did something to me. I don’t know what.
Minus the reckless punctuation.
And then, when our texting session was finally over, I found myself- hungry for his company. I couldn’t say goodbye. and i spent the rest of the night staring into the blackness, scared till I shitted bricks as I was curious whether Ju-On or lost spirits were indeed sleeping beside me in my queen-sized bed. Thanks to the jibberish nut.
And around morning I texted Rusty again. I tried not to but I still did. And I spent the rest of the day fighting th urge to take up my cell and text. Somewhere around night-time, 11.37 if I’m not mistaken, I texted. And when I did, I was trying to stop the filmstrip that was playing itself in my head. I said a rude goodbye and threw the phone away from me only to find myself searching for it again. I knew it was time. It was time to confess. I wasn’t going to live in denial.
And when I did, there was never a reply text. Until now. And it’s driving me crazy, as I sit here vulnerable, wanting to take hold of my pillow and throw it on the wall.
This is purely a fanfic. Any co-incidence or similarity to those dead or alive is not intentional. kthnaxbai.
Look at the time and everything. I was spent like hell okay.
It can only be compared in the context of torture.
05 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
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It’s been a while since I blogged. And that was because I thought everything was fine. Three days ago, the Kedah state was shocked when a wave of water flooded the whole providence. It was raining quite heavily before the flood started and things were so calamitous I didn’t know where to start. Or where to finish. It was like a book with no back page. Initially, the flood level only rose till the doorstep of residents in the most low-lying area in Alor Setar which is Taman Golf. Presumably, that’s what everyone had thought, that it wouldn’t be as worst and it is now. Days went by and sooner than ever, the water level was reaching the chest of a person. 
Correction, NECKLINE. Absurd? I know. Blink your eyes once and the water was rising very fast. Not even the tide helped. People was hoping for the waves to retract, but the flood keeps proving us wrong. No one knew the wreckage the flood had in stored for us. Soon, mud-infested water travelled to Jalan Sultanah and nearly three fourth of the Kedah state looks like a rebuilt Atlantis. My wit is quite low atm, considering the fact that it’s 2.30 in the morn. So, here are some couple of shots. Credits to Illiana Bazli and Fredick Kim.
I was planning of blogging about my Deepavali celebration and my current addiction but I guess that’ll have to wait. My IQ has been dwindling since 12am.
xx
Miserable mornings and never ending nights.
01 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
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Here's a Harry Potter version of Halloween.
Sooo, guys, it’s HALLOWEEN. Cheer up a little. Sure, things are supposed to be stark and glum and spooky but we don’t really celebrate much here right? So why don’t we just hop along the fun and tape in The Rocky Horror show in your DVD or perhaps SAW III and scream our hearts out? Get yourself a couple of caramel covered apples and you’re good as new. And that’s what I assumed to be a typical Malaysian Halloween.
And nature proved me wrong. Waking up this morning had me knowing that the whole day was going to be wet and humid. Cold and unnaturally uncomfortable in our tropical country. Hell, I’m even wearing a two piece clothing to preserve body heat. As much as I hated the heat and longed for coldness, and so God help me, the rain doesn’t seem like the ideal weather after all. The plants would be grateful and it seems like nature is feeding on the rain, blossoming greenness more than ever. And as I write this, I can actually hear the frogs croak and it happens to be quite a disturbance since I’m listening to VersaEmerge in iTunes but I guess I can tune it out.
So, dressing up for Halloween is deemed as an event that’s not going to happen. Even if it means dressing up like women’s sanitary pad. I know, I saw a picture in Tumblr. A man who’s wearing a costume that took on a shape like women’s pad and there’s a red stain on the middle area which -of course- is the blood. And I thought maybe I could wear something gory like that. So that won’t happen. And I’m also precognitive that I’m going to spend my night listening to A Rocket To The Moon and VersaEmerge which proves my title that it’ll be a never-ending night.I’m pretty sure my laptop’s going to die off any minute as the battery’s running low. And, I’m penning off here. Tally hoe fellas.
- And a scary pumpkin to raise your goosebumps.
Night in Light
31 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
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I have decided. I have indeed decided that night is my companion. Night is my daylight. Night is the time I play. Night is when energy seeps into my pores. Night is when it’s serenade.
Reading this might sound a little awkward. Or maybe you light give out a snide laughter, thinking how absurd all this sounds. How it’s always the way my writings sound. The only element it portrays. Nonsense and something that you should probably shrug at. To me, it’s a way I pour out my feelings. And I do this in the night. Night is when all this feelings and vultures on my shoulders weigh heavy on me. I can’t tell anyone. Not my mum, not my dad, not my brother. No one. I’m alone when it comes to- ME. It’s a word I loathe like how you did looking at your enemy. I’m the night. And every time I look at the mirror, i see a monster in me. I’m covered in the negative karma. A karma that only the night and its creature owns. People dislike me. People repel away from me. And I don’t think will I ever write something good on my life.
That chapter has been over like- since the ice ages. That might be a brag but you should get the sketch.
Aim your arrows high; VersaEmerge.
